Only in my Dreams


Last night I dreamt about you. I don’t know what brought it on, but came it did. I’ve been trying to forget about you for months…but it seems that even when I’m sleeping you haunt me.

I was standing in the schoolyard, surrounded by faceless people. Colours seemed to be foreign in this place, but I could see a bright, blinding white that took place of the ground and the sky. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought I was dying, seeing the bright light at the end of the tunnel, signaling I was in heaven. However, somehow, I could sense I was at school.

Then, I saw you. You were walking forward carelessly, smiling at all those faceless masks that invaded the seemingly sacred space…but then, you also saw me. Fear struck me like a bolt of lightning; I averted my eyes and turned away bashfully.

I had remembered, even in a dream, that I had poured my heart and soul to you on paper, and how ever since that fateful day that you had avoided me. One particular instance was when a week later, we were about to pass each other by in the hallways of the school we share, but as soon as you saw me a look of apprehension and panic passed over your normally dreamy eyes and you high-tailed it out of there.

My fragile heart shattered at that moment. Even though I didn’t show it on the outside, on the inside the very heart and soul I bared to you cried out desperately for salvation. The fire of pain inside myself hurt and burned more than dying in a slowly collapsing building that had fallen victim to a real fire. The only gate I could detect to release the agony inside without completely combusting was crying into my pillow at night.

I had not since forgotten the anguish, as much as I wished to, so I tried avoiding eye contact. But for some reason, you approached me from behind and put your hand on my back. “Hey,” you greeted softly.

I was completely shocked, but somehow my frozen feet thawed and turned back around to face your tall build. Your expression was completely different from the one I had seen that day in the hall. Instead, you looked at me with a warmness and kindness, as well as apologetically.

I couldn’t help it; I wrapped my arms around your chest and held you for dear life. You returned the hug gently.

“We haven’t talked in a while,” I choked on a sob threatening to bubble out of my throat.

“I know. I’m sorry for being a jerk,” you whispered tenderly in my ear.

I don’t remember what you said after that, just the feeling of being wrapped in your arms, a good feeling inside me that’s hard to describe. It felt safe there, like being packaged in a blanket by the fire on a cold winter night. Only the fire didn’t burn me, only warmed me up and soothed my tears away. I never wanted it to end. It all seemed so, so real…

…Until I woke up in my bed alone in the darkness of night. Then I knew it wasn’t true. We were as far apart as the moment I sealed my fate by opening up. I cried hard.

Why do things have to work out this way? I wish we could be together, or at least be able to be near each other once more before you’re gone from my life forever. But last night, it reminded me that it will never really happen- only in my dreams.

At least I have those.